Divorce Talk…Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Isolated, Confused, Conflict, Infidelity, Divorce?

Most married couples will tell you that it difficult to be in a long-term committed relationship. Many of us have misconceptions about marriage when we first start out, and since we usually love our spouses at the time we wed, we aren’t necessarily thinging about all the changes that will happen to us and within us as we spend the rest of our lives with our mates.

The reason relationships are hard is that many of us have reaction points to things that have happenned to us at previous times in our lives. If we can somehow work with our spouse by remaining non-reactive to their reactivity, we will grow and change and come out the other side as better people. We become more patient, less selfish, more self-aware and sometimes even more content in life as we come to appreciate who we are in the relationship. The price for these improved character traits can be high and painful.

The problem is usually found in our reactions to our wives and husbands. “They don’t listen to me.” “They are too controlling”. “They are stubborn, immature and unfeeling.”
“I’m sick and tired of their belittling comments and yelling.” (The list goes on and on.)

One of the ways I help couples that come to my office, is to find the pattern of talking or relating that leaves them both feeling lonely and hurt. Couples typically have one of three responses when they communicate with each other. We meet together so we can understand your unique pattern that is causing distress or lack of emotional intimacy.

The three culprits

that rob couples of true intimacy are listed below. Take note of which pattern you find yourself using, and see if you can change it. Resist sarcastic, belittling or angry comments that hurt your spouse. If you withdraw and use silence, this can be just as ineffective and painful as yelling or saying hurtful things to your spouse. Instead, resist the temptation to use silence or withdraw, and communicate to your spouse that you are feeling deeply hurt but would like to work through these differences.

AVOID THESE PATTERNS LISTED BELOW:

1. USING SILENCE- This person knows how to get control fast. They withdraw and simply do not speak to their spouse. This is very painful to both and stops intimate communication almost immediately.
2. USING VIOLENT WORDS- This person uses their anger to get their way. They yell, call names, or use put down comments. Almost anything goes to win. This pattern gets the couple nowhere fast.
3. COMBINATION OF SILENCE AND VIOLENCE- This person uses a combination of withdrawing at critical times, and then assaulting their unsuspecting spouse. This style is really painful and adds to the deterioration of the relationship. It needs to be stopped immediately.

I hope this information gets you speaking kindly again to your partner. I will be glad to meet with you alone or with you and your spouse. I can show you both what can be done to make your communication and relationship healthier. If your relationship becomes more loving, this change will flow down to your children as you model to them how healthy couples relate and communicate together. I have witnessed houselholds become happy and seen first hand how these happy homes effect our own attitude and view of ourselves. It isn’t a secret that at the heart of a good home is a very healthy and good marriage. It is possible to adapt and change and break away from dysfunctional patterns and begin fresh with sound habits that demonstrate care, value and love to one another. I have helped many couples do this during my 26 years as a clinical psychologist. I will be honored to see if I am a good fit for you, and can help you as well. I wish you all the best.

Recent Breakup?

Imagine yourself at the bottom of a mountain standing where a trail begins for a beautiful journey. It will be filled with the smell of pine trees, beautiful wildlife, running creeks, and crystal clear blue skies.

You have your backpack strapped on, and as you’re getting ready to being the trek, it’s almost as if you hear the voice of God calling to you, “Come on up! It’s going to be incredible here at the top! You won’t believe what I have in store for you!” Read More Here.

Where Did the Love Go?

Relationships are seldom as simple as we would like. They bring out our needs, anxieties, and conflicts with people from our past – parents, friends, and former partners.

When we enter into a relation we expect to be loved just for being who we are. A relationship should provide a safe safe zone where our partner values us for expressing our own uniqueness. This is a simple expectation. Indeed, this is the way most relationships start out. Why, then, does it seem so hard to maintain this ideal, blissful state of unconditional love over time? Read More Here.

How do I forgive Infidelity

All of us have been hurt, in one way or another, by someone else. While it is easy to forgive a friend for the slight distress we feel over a phone call that was not returned, it is not so easy to forgive those who have harmed us in a major way. The greatest hurt seems to come from those who play the most significant roles in our lives. The enormity of the hurt may lead us to conclude that we can never forgive the other person. To forgive or not to forgive is one of our life choices. It is important for our own emotional well-being to understand that it is a choice, and a choice with consequences. Read More Here.

Communication Problems

3 Communication Culprits

The three culprits

that rob couples of true intimacy are listed below. Take note of which pattern you find yourself using, and see if you can change it. Resist sarcastic, belittling or angry comments that hurt your spouse. If you withdraw and use silence, this can be just as ineffective and painful as yelling or saying hurtful things to your spouse. Instead, resist the temptation to use silence or withdraw, and communicate to your spouse that you are feeling deeply hurt but would like to work through these differences.

AVOID THESE PATTERNS LISTED BELOW:

USING SILENCE- This person knows how to get control fast. They withdraw and simply do not speak to their spouse. This is very painful to both and stops intimate communication almost immediately.
USING VIOLENT WORDS- This person uses their anger to get their way. They yell, call names, or use put down comments. Almost anything goes to win. This pattern gets the couple nowhere fast.
COMBINATION OF SILENCE AND VIOLENCE- This person uses a combination of withdrawing at critical times, and then assaulting their unsuspecting spouse. This style is really painful and adds to the deterioration of the relationship. It needs to be stopped immediately.
I hope this information gets you speaking kindly again to your partner. I will be glad to meet with you alone or with you and your spouse. I can show you both what can be done to make your communication and relationship healthier. If your relationship becomes more loving, this change will flow down to your children as you model to them how healthy couples relate and communicate together. I have witnessed houselholds become happy and seen first hand how these happy homes effect our own attitude and view of ourselves. It isn’t a secret that at the heart of a good home is a very healthy and good marriage. It is possible to adapt and change and break away from dysfunctional patterns and begin fresh with sound habits that demonstrate care, value and love to one another. I have helped many couples do this during my 26 years as a clinical psychologist. I will be honored to see if I am a good fit for you, and can help you as well. I wish you all the best.


BEEN IN A BAD FIGHT?

Here are three things you can do right now so that you can sleep better tonight, or at least get through your day at work. Let me first say, that if you are reading this and you are hurting due to a relationship problem, you are not alone and I don’t consider it an accident that you are reading this now. I am sorry for your situation, but the good news, is that you might be growing through this period of your life and you might possibly come out stronger.

It’s up to you whether you grow or not.

Here’s what you can do now to make things better.

Before you go and apologize for something you may or may not have done, go get a pad of paper, a journal or notebook and first, write down what happened.

1. Write down what lead up to you feeling angry, isolated or confused. Write down your emotions, your thoughts and feelings regarding your present situation.
2. Next, ask yourself this question- “Have I ever felt like this before in other situations during my life?” Is so, write down when else you may have felt similar situations occur during your lifetime.
3. After you have found or discovered this “familiar emotion” that has come to you at different times, write down what you wish would have been said to you or done for you on your behalf. Once you begin to understand what you have been really needing all along, call me at no cost, so I can talk with you for 5 minutes about your situation and what you can do and say when you approach your spouse, or partner. This needs to be done with gentleness and care. I will be happy to assist you in re-establishing a quality connection with your mate. Remember to stay nuetral, contrite, and ask nothing from them- do not try to solicit an apology or their forgiveness.

SOMETHING TO CONSIDER…

According to legend, a young man while roaming the desert came across
a spring of delicious crystal-clear water. The water was so sweet he
filled his leather canteen so he could bring some back to a tribal
elder who had been his teacher. After a four-day journey he presented
the water to the old man who took a deep drink, smiled warmly and
thanked his student lavishly for the sweet water. The young man
returned to his village with a happy heart.

Later, the teacher let another student taste the water. He spat it
out, saying it was awful. It apparently had become stale because of
the old leather container. The student challenged his teacher:
“Master, the water was foul. Why did you pretend to like it?”

The teacher replied, “You only tasted the water. I tasted the gift.
The water was simply the container for an act of living-kindness and
nothing could be sweeter.”

Self-motivation without gratitude is impossible. Our energy is
“sapped” when our entire focus is on what’s wrong instead of what is
right with our lives. One of our greatest challenges is to live and
love in spite of pain and disappointment…to find gratitude in the
midst of it all. -Jayadeva De Silva

I have learned over 26 years of meeting with individuals,
that healing does not happen in isolation. We are meant to be
in relationship with others and this is where healing occurs.
What we don’t work out in therapy, we end up acting out
on our children, friends and families. We end up leaving
them a legacy of our pain.

My Loveless Marriage

Why divorce wasn’t the answer to my emptiness.

By Judy Bodmer

I lay in bed staring at the darkness. My husband, Larry, was snoring softly beside me. We’d just had another fight. I could hardly remember what had started it, but I knew we’d both said ugly, hateful things. Nothing had been resolved. We’d just gotten tired. Now he slept and I lay here, feeling utterly alone.

I crawled out of bed to check on our two sons. David, such a handful while awake, looked like an angel even though his face was sticky from the ice cream he’d eaten earlier. I pulled Matthew’s covers back on his small body and smoothed his blond head. He needed a haircut. Working full-time, with two small sons to referee and a house to keep clean, I never had enough time to do it all. Read Full Article