COUPLES

Contempt grows more for couples and each pull further away from ther other unconsciously. Silence and lack of emotional connection due to the inability of the couple to feel safe enough to share any matters of the heart.

Is This you?

Husband or wife: Do you love me?
Husband or wife: Of course I do!
Husband or wife: It doesn’t feel like it!
Husband or wife: Maybe you have a problem!

This circular debate goes unresolved for years.

Husband or wife: Do you love me?
Husband or wife: Of course I do!
Husband or wife: It doesn’t feel like it!
Husband or wife: Do you have a sense of why it’s like this?
Husband or wife: I’m not sure, but it seems to me that you don’t really value my soul!
Husband or wife: What are you talking about? Of course I do!

The same debate goes unresolved for a few less years.

Husband or wife: Do you love me?
Husband or wife: Of course I do!
Husband or wife: It doesn’t feel like it!
Husband or wife: Do you have a sense of why it’s like this?
Husband or wife: I’m not sure, but it seems to me that you don’t really value my soul!
Husband or wife: I feel like I’m trying to, but help me see it the way you do. When have I not valued your soul?

Husband or wife: One time you never finished reading a poem I wrote to you, and another time you brushed over how deeply sad and alone I was feeling when my dad died. These tow little (yet big to me) things have added up over the years and have lead me to conclude- you don’t really KNOW me. You don’t really LOVE ME!

Husband or wife: That’s nonsense! Of course I love you! I just made dinner, brought you flowers, etc. (fill in the blank). It’s insulting to hear you say wrong and untrue things. Stop bringing up the past and let’s be more positive with each other and move forward!

Isolated, Confused, Conflict, Infidelity, Divorce?

Most married couples will tell you that it is difficult to be in a long-term committed relationship.  Many of us have misconceptions about marriage when we first start out, and since we usually love our spouses at the time we wed, we aren’t necessarily thinking about all the changes that will happen to us and within us as we spend the rest of our lives with our mates.

The reason relationships are hard is that many of us have reaction points to things that have happened to us at previous times in our lives.  If we can somehow work with our spouse by remaining non-reactive to their reactivity, we will grow and change and come out the other side as better people.  We become more patient, less selfish, more self-aware and sometimes even more content in life as we come to appreciate who we are in the relationship. The price for these improved character traits can be high and painful.

The problem is usually found in our reactions to our wives and husbands.  “They don’t listen to me.” “They are too controlling”. “They are stubborn, immature and unfeeling.” “I’m sick and tired of their belittling comments and yelling.” (The list goes on.)

One of the ways I help couples that come to my office, is to find the pattern of talking or relating that leaves them both feeling lonely and hurt.  Couples typically have one of three responses when they communicate with each other.  We meet together so we can understand your unique pattern that is causing distress or lack of emotional intimacy.